Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these "dormitories." (Elden Carnahan
Attorneys-Audiologists: Lawyers who guarantee they'll get you a hearing. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.
Automotive-Bail: What you'll have to pay if you're found parked on Constitution Avenue at 4:00:00.00001 p.m. on weekdays (Elden Carnahan)
Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to "even things up." (Russell Beland)
Billing-Blood: A loan shark's late payment fee. (Harold Kerr, Takoma Park)
Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow. (Brendan Beary)
Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they've lost the figure for fan-dancing. (Brendan Beary)
Can-Car: Pulled by the Little Engine That Could (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy. (Pam Sweeney)
Demolition-Dentists: Let us rearrange your mouth in a single visit. (Marty McCullen)
Environmental-Escort: Ooh, I'll maketh you lie down in green pastures, big boy! (Harold Kerr)
Foam-Foods: The nation's top supplier of airline meals. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Financial-Fire: For when cooking the books didn't work well enough. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Granite-Grocers: Specializing in those holiday fruitcakes. (Stevens R. Miller, Ashburn)
Kitchen-Labor: Term of endearment likely to go over even less well than "the old ball and chain." (Russell Beland)
Lawn-Lawyers: Little statues of guys in business suits holding attache cases -- for the discriminating homeowner who'd never have a lawn jockey. (Russell Beland)
Lumber-Magicians: Your friends at Pfizer. (Michelle Stupak)
Mattresses-Memorial: Hugh Hefner's already planning his grave site . . . (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Paper-Parapsychologists: Practitioners who, instead of attending a rigorous school, simply got their parapsychology credentials from a diploma mill. (Russell Beland)
Real-Refrigerators: A Food Network reality show featuring spur-of-the-moment dishes like Worcestershire Sauce and Two-Year-Old Olives Wrapped in Brown Lettuce. (Tom Kreitzberg)
Rubber-Safe: Where the bank puts the bounced checks. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
Radio-Ready: Less than photogenic: "That guy has a face that's radio-ready." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Sewer-Sewing: The latest fad since extreme ironing competitions. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Stools-Storage: Label on a vault in Howard Hughes's home. (Pam Sweeney)
Tree-Trophies: What beavers proudly display in their lodges. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
Wedding-Welding: Up to 40 percent less likely to be put asunder! (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md.)
Women's-Zoning: A wife's rules for use of a house's public space. Seldom written down; usually enforced with a simple "You're not putting that in here, are you?" (Brendan Beary)
Yacht-Zoos: Noah's three sons launch a successful business chain. (Roy Ashley, Washington